The Last Year in a Blog

Well, well, well it has been over a year since I last wrote an entry, and oh my a lot has happened. Some wonderful, some traumatic. Where to start, last time I wrote on here I was just about too start a job at Hollywood Bowl, I was learning to drive, and I was dying too spill some amazing news!!! I'll start with the job side of life, Hollywood Bowl did not go so well, I hated it in fact, my sister-in-law helped me get the job to keep me over christmas, and even though been jobless is a terrible and depressing thing, I am glad it was only a temp job, 2 of the managers hated me! And I wasn't been paranoid, all the staff noticed there instant dislike to me! The customers where knob heads when life wasn't going there way, and the money was crap for the stuff I did! Anyway yer, the job front hasn't got much better since then, I live in a city where job prospects are crap despite what the news and other media sources say. I have done courses, and re-wrote my C.V. and spec letters so many times I could create a book! I wouldn't advise anyone to become jobless by choice! Whether you hate your job or not, if you can stick it out till something else comes along DO IT!!!!

Anyway if I keep talking about my saddening jobless life I will cry! I am not going to give up though.....Right driving lessons, I did 2 theory tests passed 2nd time, and I did 2 driving tests and again passed 2nd time on the 10th of January 2012!!!!! Wooo! And I got my car on the 28th of January, Blue pug 206! I christened her Peggy! My baby! 

The news I was wanting to tell everyone so badly but had too wait till the 8th of November 2011 to tell was....I was becoming an aunty, now for the people that know me well, know becoming an aunt was a big thing for me and has been for the past 10 years, don't ask me why I was just desperate to become one! And on the 29th of May at 10.25am and 13 days late and by C-section my beautiful perfect nephew was here! All 7 lb 10.5 oz of him! Oliver William Daniel Ward!  He's almost 6 months old now and cheekiest little boy I have ever met! He melts my heart every time I see him, and his smile can lighten anyone's day! The heart breaking thing is though that my beautiful little dude was diagnosed at 3 weeks old with Cystic Fibrosis....I wish every single day it was me instead of him, I wish the horrible illness didn't exist. Olly is perfect and a happy baby but horrible to put him through medications and physio to keep him in good health! Its wrong... And it makes me sick that people that don't care for there child don't realise how lucky they actually are to have a healthy child! If you read up on this illness, don't fob it off as something little, because it may sound positive and easy too deal with too an outsider but for Olly and my family, its a day to day struggle to keep strong and prepare for when he asks us questions, or when people are ignorant about his height and weight, or the fact that when we give him medicines in public and sometimes hold him down look like we're been evil! When we couldn't love him more, and wish we didn't have to do it, but because he needs it we don't think twice! 

Anyway I have gone on a rant. Other things that have happened in a year in a sentence with a lot of commas..... Lost  a friend on 10th dec 2011, was in a car accident (only minor), uncle got terminal cancer, aunt got the all clear on cancer, nanna went in hospital for minor stroke, turned 21, applied for 100's of jobs, lost weight, put on weight, had scans and tests (still on going) too find out about weight gain, and many many other things there is too many too list! 

I'm still here, I've fought a lot in life and this last year has kept throwing the wars at me. But I will not be defeated, I owe it too Olly to be strong and fight whatever is thrown at me because he does it everyday and can't change it, where as I can change most the things I fight! He is my inspiration! xx

My Beautiful Nephew and My Inspiration OWDW! xx

I PASSED!

Today i passed my theory test, 2nd attempt at it! And i must say i am proud of myself just got to talk to my instructor about my practical then i am good to goooooooooo =D

So if you live near me good luck, as i will be on the roads very soon =D

Got the Job!

Well anyone that saw my interview post, i would just like to announce i got the job =D. Thought i wouldn't get it as it was the shortest interview ever and seemed rather bad when i came out.


But just had the phone call giving me my 1st 2 shifts =)


Got to say i am rather proud of myself, and i don't feel so worried about things anymore.

Interview =/

Today i have an interview, nothing special just for a receptionist at Hollywood Bowl. Now i would be soooo happy to get this job, as i am about to pass my driving test and getting a car....not so cheap!!!


Despite the fact that in the next year i am moving out and trying to save for that is kinda scary when your not in a steady job, so me getting this job today would actually be a life saver!


Now i don't think anyone actually likes interviews, and if anyone does please tell me why?!?! To me and interview is like when your back at school and your in trouble and have to stay behind to have a talk, or its parents evening and you know the teacher has a fair few things to pick out about you, good and bad, but it still makes you nervous.


In an interview i get warm, and feel sooo ill, my palms go clammy and even though there is only 2-6 eyes on you i feel like there is a million. I stutter and errr a lot and tend to move my hands about or twiddle with my hair my coat whatever clothes i'm wearing. And interviewers pick up on this stuff and would probably, quite happily use it against anyone if they didn't like something about the person but obviously can't use that as an excuse not to carry on the interview. So the perfect excuse 'your to nervous would you like to stop this now?' 


Now yer i could say to them no lets carry it on, but nerves take over and i can't even say that without stuttering or errring! It is embarrassing, and i can't even deny, sometimes its a relief. Now my statistics are good i have only ever been on 4 interviews and only 1 of them i haven't got the job, and i even made it through to the final stage as well. So that says to me i should be more confident, ha no no no i am actually shitting myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I shall update as soon as i know.

Dilemmas with Work

OK so everyone has their own views on people on the dole!?!?! Right? Some say scroungers, some say lazy, some say bums, some say money grabbers, some just don't particularly care!
Well in the past 2 years, 2 months and 21 days (since i turned 18) i have spent a total of......16 months collecting job seekers, now for those who may read this and form an opinion, i am not a scrounger, i am not lazy when it comes to work, i am not a bum, i am not a money grabber, and i really wish people wouldn't form these opinions without understanding that everyone has many different stories and reasons for having to go on job seekers.
I am contracted to a job, however that is a 0 hour contract, like many others on these contracts you are NOT  always getting work every week, and so you sign on as a 'get me by' until your next shift. Now some will say why not get a better job, some people are on 0 hour contracts because they have family members they have to take care of and so only way they can have a job that works round them and some just can't find anything else so would rather be in a job with a chance of some hours and some work and some hard earned money, then nothing at all.
I am all for freedom of speech and i understand that some or all may know of someone that collects job seekers because they just can't be arsed to work, i know a fair few, but some do want to work and can't physically find it, i have sent out 100's and 100's of C.V.s out and filled in application form after application form, and most the time never hear anything, i have been on courses and improved my skills, i have volunteered, and done minimum wage, yet still get the names when i have to admit i have to sign on.
Now i may not of paid much into the system, but i have paid some and i plan on paying a hell of a lot more, or when i have children i plan on bringing them up to work hard in life and accept the system will only work for you if you work for it, so why am i not entitled to ask for a helping hand when i can't find a job to get me by in everyday life? Now whoever has read this and doesn't agree if you can answer me this question with a SENSIBLE answer against me, i would actually appreciate it, i may not agree but still be very interesting, but please do think about it before you make your judgement.


Calling some on job seekers a scrounger or bum or lazy or whatever else, is sometimes as bad and as hurtful as calling someone fat or ugly...think about it.

Daddys Girl?

Yer, i meant to put a question mark after that....i am a daddy's girl at heart always have been, but i am completely different with my dad to the way i was in June 2006.

Anyone that knows me, knows that 2005/2006 wasn't an amazing time for me, bullied at school badly, broken arm to the point i nearly lost my hand and now have a permanent numb patch on my hand, aunty dying after a long fight against diabetes,kidney failure, and eventually cancer. And then to add to the sting July came and things where starting to look OK again me and my best friend at the time decided to buy a tent (cos we was just that wild) and would be camping out on fields near our houses or just our back gardens haha, anyways this 1 weekend it was a Saturday afternoon, just off the phone to Becky, we decided to camp out in her garden that weekend, and i was all excited been the little kid i was haha.
Anyways i was getting my stuff ready to go meet Becky we was off to shop to get a load of drinks and sweets then to hers t drop my stuff off then for a takeaway, so of course i was rushing about because i had to meet her in 10 minutes and back then i was so unorganised it took me ages to find anything and i had the bloody tent! My dad started hassling me to be more tidy and to stop acting like a stroppy teenager because he criticized me (i was 14 at the time so what else am i gonna act like?) that all turned into an argument about how he does my head in and that why can't he just leave me alone or help.
Either way the argument went on for 10 minutes and he was screaming at me for all sorts i just yelled back in my juvenile stupidity 'i hate you' god knows why cos i didn't mean it, i just like having the last word in arguments and that was what popped out :(

He didn't say anything to me he just turned away went outside and got on his bike (a push bike) and shouted to my mam ill be back in a hour. My mam tended not to get involved when me and my dad argued because of how close me and him was we was bound to clash at some point. So yer i grabbed my stuff found the tent and ran to meet Becky, she was a bit pissed off i was late but when i explained she said oh you will see him tomorrow and it life will be back to normal, i wish to this day still that she was right.

I had a good night at Becky's we was the type of friends that giggled at the silliest of things for hours on end and only us 2 actually got it! But 11 came and all of a sudden Becky's mam was telling us to start tidying up usually because i wasn't gonna be leaving Becky's house till alot later, she wouldn't be bothered so we found it really weird, but we did as we was told. Dinner time came me and Becky and completely cleared up, we was both washed and dressed and fed, and all of a sudden my brother turned up to pick me up =/ now me and my brother do not get along at all, we can start a fight in an empty room, we just don't mesh, so for him to pick me up from my friends and unexpected and to walk me all the way home, was beyond weird.
Me again been a little slow didn't think anything was wrong at all, we was due to go on holiday to benidorm in 3 weeks time so i thought i was needed home to go clothes shopping, and I'm muttering on all the way home, saying what I'm gonna get and what does the brother want, he just mumbled answers to me, to me that WAS normal lol.

When i got home the house was quiet now when your the youngest of 4 and the only girl, a quiet house isn't always easy to come by, but again thought nothing of it, i ran upstairs chucked my stuff in my room and quickly got changed again into something more summery. Walking back down the stairs i heard mumbles then a quick 'shut up she's coming' i thought oh god I'm gunna get a lecture about how not to be a teenager. Opening the door to the dining room i expected to see my dad glaring at me, instead my mam is sat at 1 end of the table white as a ghost, my oldest brother sat at the computer desk swivelling round on the chair my middle brother sat on the floor looking out the window and my youngest brother (the one who walked me home) stood against the kitchen door, then my aunty sat at the table next to my mam? Now my aunty and my mam are close and i do spend a lot of time at her house and like wise for her family, but for them all to be sat there in 1 room so quiet and her to be there when she should of been working, it just didn't fit obviously.

I walked to the window to look in the garden for my dad cos that is usually where he is, he finds himself quite the Alan titchmarsh to be quite honest lol. But yer when i couldn't see him and the garage was locked up, i asked the question, where's dad then? And turned and looked at my mam, she didn't even look like she heard me, my aunty told me to sit down, when i didn't she just looked at me and said 'jess there has been a bit of trouble while you was sleeping out, your dads in hospital, and he's in and out of conciousness', i gave her a blank stare, and as she was about to start telling me more, i just burst into tears, my body went weak and i collapsed on the floor in my aunty's arms telling her to tell me it was just a lie, a dream, anything but reality, but she couldn't, even saying it now chokes me.

I sat there been hugged by my aunty and my mam for a hour, we didn't have strength to move, my brothers didn't know what to do with themselves, should they show their emotion or be strong, of course they chose to keep it hidden for my sake more then my own mothers, just because i was the baby and needed them to keep me up.  My mam still thanks them to this day for been that way! It came to about 2 and my aunty and my mam and oldest brother decided to get shopping to get my dad some stuff to have at the hospital with him, my mam wanted all new things. My aunty turned to me before they left and said you go get a nice long bath and when we get back we will go see him. I don't like hospitals, i don't think anyone does, i am use to them but i dont' like them, my fear today though was what if he dies in front of me, what if he dies before i get to tell him i love him, i never have, never will hate him, it was just words, but my youngest brother just looked at me and said, dad will want you there to know your OK, and as much as i don't like to agree with Adam he hit the nail on the head there!

I got a long bath, i got dressed, and i sat there in the living room staring at the telly, not watching it staring at it, people text me i just ignored them Becky text me and rang me a few times i just didn't wanna talk to anyone. When they all got back i was straight up and wanted to see my dad, so they packed the stuff they bought for my dad in a bag and we got in my auntys car and went, now Dan and tom (the oldest 2) decided me and Adam should get to see him tonight, it would comfort us more, when we got to the hospital, we was told that we couldn't go in just yet as my dad had to many visitors already! WHAT!?!?!?! Who has gone to see my dad before his own fucking kids, now i sound like a spoiled cow in this bit but i don't care in my mind the 1st people to see my dad should of been my mam, me and my brothers, but my dads brothers been the nosey twats went without letting anyone know or without any consideration, even my dads own mother said she will wait till me and my brothers saw my dad, but no my uncles wanted to be nosey ( they don't bother with my dad or us lot unless they want something or unless they want some drama), they took up nearly the full hour of visiting, knowing me and Adam are sat there in the waiting room shitting it, the head nurse felt so sorry for use she let us stay an extra half hour.

When i walked into my dads little bit of the ward he was on, i still remember every wire and tube going in and out of him, every cut and bruise, and every beep of all the machines. I stood at the end of his bed and just gazed at him, Adam sat straight next to him my mam stood at the door with my aunty, and my dad opened his eyes looked around said hiya to Adam then looked at me and just said 'whats wrong princess?' he was laid in a hospital bed really ill and he is asking me what is wrong seriously dad get your logic right lol. I couldn't speak i just moved round the bed held his hand and cried, he was telling me that he is OK he can't remember any of it and he will be home soon. He was still in hospital, he was still seriously injured, he was still my dad in hospital asking me if i was OK??!?!?!?.
Turned out my dad had been hit by a taxi, hit him from behind, and with such a force it flung my dad 40ft in the air and 60 ft in the other direction, his bike went under the taxi, now anyone that knows emmerdale round about in hull will know it can get busy, well that's where my dad got hit, the taxi driver been a pig of the road drove very wrongly and hit my dad! (this has all been proved by police and eye witnesses) he doesn't even remember the day of the accident nothing, still doesn't to this day. Now my dad was lucky in a matter of speaking he survived and he survived the after shock of a fractured skull. A lot of things have changed for him, his sense of smell is completely gone, his taste buds ain't that good, his memory is terrible, he has mood swings mainly with me and my mam that we have both drifted from him in many ways, he tends to lose his temper at the click of his fingers, which anyone knew my dad before the accident knew he was so laid back he was horizontal.

So yer il always be a daddy's girl, I'm his only daughter, and nearly losing him makes me appreciate him more, just at a price of having to keep a distance and not get to close in fear of constantly arguing and falling out with him to the point where i move out again and again. He still loves me and cares for me obviously but, there is just a gap in our relationship and maybe always will be but at the end of the day i still have him, which makes me the luckiest person in the world in my eyes ♥

Driving Lessons!

Well, thought i would do a post on something nearly everyone attempts at some point in their lives, learning to drive. Now don't get me wrong i LOVE driving, but i HATE learning, with an absolute passion.

If only i could drive without learning how to, ha that would be dangerous, because if i am blatantly honest i am not the best driver in the world, now sure no learner is amazing but after 14 lessons and countless lessons with my father, you would expect some skill. However!!!! i panic when driving, well panic can be an understatement, i broke down and cried when i was driving by a dustbin truck, fair enough if i was down small street then you can understand the panic for a learner especially, but when your down a very wide road with no parked cars or obstacles to get by, why the fear came over me i do not know...

Another example of my terrible driving is old women having to run across the road, i won't take offence, because if they didn't run i would not have a chance in hell of anyone teaching me to drive again. I have seriously never seen an old woman leap so quickly.
Now i am fine driving if my instructor lets me get on with it, i seem to relax and be able to drive perfectly, but when she pipes up 'you need to change gear,indicate,speed up, slow down, and about 5 other commands that get muddled in my small mind!!! I get panicky and do it wrong! That's when all you pedestrians need to keep a close eye on the horizon for Jess the psycho learner.

Learners Hell:

• Taxi Drivers
• Bus Drivers
• People on push bikes
• Boy racers
• Little Kids
• Other learners
• Lorry Drivers
• White Van Drivers
• Coppers!

The list above, all you current learners will understand the panic these can cause, the ones that like to scare a learner, or the ones that think they own the road, and obviously the ones you gotta be really careful about.
I have nearly had 4 accidents due to taxi drivers, been pigs of the road, and surprisingly enough it was never my fault, and between you and me perfected my emergency stop to the tee ;-p.  Bus drivers they just hog more then enough of the road and give you an evil glare as you approach each other like they are saying 'you know i can crush you' it really is some scary shit out there!!!

I wish people would go back to when they was a learner, and look try and remember how they felt when they was on the busy roads or in sticky situations, and how they felt when other drivers treat them like dirt and scared them. Wish they had some patience with us, we are trying, i still get a sicky, butterfly feeling before my lessons.

Only lessons i don't get nervous about is when i have to spend the lesson doing techniques like turning in the road, and reverse round a corner, and parallel parking, now some of you will be thinking what a weirdo but, when i am better at techniques then actually driving round loads, you learn your comfort zone. And i adore parallel parking, not even lying, it is amazing and my instructors words for my parallel parking is and i quote 'beautiful' and 'that was perfect'...... far better then 'what did you do wrong there?' and ' you know your not meant to do that' or ' why don't we start again'.

All you learners out there....just think about something funny when you panic it will relax you, when you do something wrong think well i ain't the 1st and i won't be the last, and when a taxi driver pisses you off for nearly killing you and several others just think, i can get that taxi next time and be sick in his car and run without paying (hint: don't do this if he is taking you home)
All you drivers out there, have a flash back to your learner days, and take it easy on us, we are you in a previous time.