Yer, i meant to put a question mark after that....i am a daddy's girl at heart always have been, but i am completely different with my dad to the way i was in June 2006.
Anyone that knows me, knows that 2005/2006 wasn't an amazing time for me, bullied at school badly, broken arm to the point i nearly lost my hand and now have a permanent numb patch on my hand, aunty dying after a long fight against diabetes,kidney failure, and eventually cancer. And then to add to the sting July came and things where starting to look OK again me and my best friend at the time decided to buy a tent (cos we was just that wild) and would be camping out on fields near our houses or just our back gardens haha, anyways this 1 weekend it was a Saturday afternoon, just off the phone to Becky, we decided to camp out in her garden that weekend, and i was all excited been the little kid i was haha.
Anyways i was getting my stuff ready to go meet Becky we was off to shop to get a load of drinks and sweets then to hers t drop my stuff off then for a takeaway, so of course i was rushing about because i had to meet her in 10 minutes and back then i was so unorganised it took me ages to find anything and i had the bloody tent! My dad started hassling me to be more tidy and to stop acting like a stroppy teenager because he criticized me (i was 14 at the time so what else am i gonna act like?) that all turned into an argument about how he does my head in and that why can't he just leave me alone or help.
Either way the argument went on for 10 minutes and he was screaming at me for all sorts i just yelled back in my juvenile stupidity 'i hate you' god knows why cos i didn't mean it, i just like having the last word in arguments and that was what popped out :(
He didn't say anything to me he just turned away went outside and got on his bike (a push bike) and shouted to my mam ill be back in a hour. My mam tended not to get involved when me and my dad argued because of how close me and him was we was bound to clash at some point. So yer i grabbed my stuff found the tent and ran to meet Becky, she was a bit pissed off i was late but when i explained she said oh you will see him tomorrow and it life will be back to normal, i wish to this day still that she was right.
I had a good night at Becky's we was the type of friends that giggled at the silliest of things for hours on end and only us 2 actually got it! But 11 came and all of a sudden Becky's mam was telling us to start tidying up usually because i wasn't gonna be leaving Becky's house till alot later, she wouldn't be bothered so we found it really weird, but we did as we was told. Dinner time came me and Becky and completely cleared up, we was both washed and dressed and fed, and all of a sudden my brother turned up to pick me up =/ now me and my brother do not get along at all, we can start a fight in an empty room, we just don't mesh, so for him to pick me up from my friends and unexpected and to walk me all the way home, was beyond weird.
Me again been a little slow didn't think anything was wrong at all, we was due to go on holiday to benidorm in 3 weeks time so i thought i was needed home to go clothes shopping, and I'm muttering on all the way home, saying what I'm gonna get and what does the brother want, he just mumbled answers to me, to me that WAS normal lol.
When i got home the house was quiet now when your the youngest of 4 and the only girl, a quiet house isn't always easy to come by, but again thought nothing of it, i ran upstairs chucked my stuff in my room and quickly got changed again into something more summery. Walking back down the stairs i heard mumbles then a quick 'shut up she's coming' i thought oh god I'm gunna get a lecture about how not to be a teenager. Opening the door to the dining room i expected to see my dad glaring at me, instead my mam is sat at 1 end of the table white as a ghost, my oldest brother sat at the computer desk swivelling round on the chair my middle brother sat on the floor looking out the window and my youngest brother (the one who walked me home) stood against the kitchen door, then my aunty sat at the table next to my mam? Now my aunty and my mam are close and i do spend a lot of time at her house and like wise for her family, but for them all to be sat there in 1 room so quiet and her to be there when she should of been working, it just didn't fit obviously.
I walked to the window to look in the garden for my dad cos that is usually where he is, he finds himself quite the Alan titchmarsh to be quite honest lol. But yer when i couldn't see him and the garage was locked up, i asked the question, where's dad then? And turned and looked at my mam, she didn't even look like she heard me, my aunty told me to sit down, when i didn't she just looked at me and said 'jess there has been a bit of trouble while you was sleeping out, your dads in hospital, and he's in and out of conciousness', i gave her a blank stare, and as she was about to start telling me more, i just burst into tears, my body went weak and i collapsed on the floor in my aunty's arms telling her to tell me it was just a lie, a dream, anything but reality, but she couldn't, even saying it now chokes me.
I sat there been hugged by my aunty and my mam for a hour, we didn't have strength to move, my brothers didn't know what to do with themselves, should they show their emotion or be strong, of course they chose to keep it hidden for my sake more then my own mothers, just because i was the baby and needed them to keep me up. My mam still thanks them to this day for been that way! It came to about 2 and my aunty and my mam and oldest brother decided to get shopping to get my dad some stuff to have at the hospital with him, my mam wanted all new things. My aunty turned to me before they left and said you go get a nice long bath and when we get back we will go see him. I don't like hospitals, i don't think anyone does, i am use to them but i dont' like them, my fear today though was what if he dies in front of me, what if he dies before i get to tell him i love him, i never have, never will hate him, it was just words, but my youngest brother just looked at me and said, dad will want you there to know your OK, and as much as i don't like to agree with Adam he hit the nail on the head there!
I got a long bath, i got dressed, and i sat there in the living room staring at the telly, not watching it staring at it, people text me i just ignored them Becky text me and rang me a few times i just didn't wanna talk to anyone. When they all got back i was straight up and wanted to see my dad, so they packed the stuff they bought for my dad in a bag and we got in my auntys car and went, now Dan and tom (the oldest 2) decided me and Adam should get to see him tonight, it would comfort us more, when we got to the hospital, we was told that we couldn't go in just yet as my dad had to many visitors already! WHAT!?!?!?! Who has gone to see my dad before his own fucking kids, now i sound like a spoiled cow in this bit but i don't care in my mind the 1st people to see my dad should of been my mam, me and my brothers, but my dads brothers been the nosey twats went without letting anyone know or without any consideration, even my dads own mother said she will wait till me and my brothers saw my dad, but no my uncles wanted to be nosey ( they don't bother with my dad or us lot unless they want something or unless they want some drama), they took up nearly the full hour of visiting, knowing me and Adam are sat there in the waiting room shitting it, the head nurse felt so sorry for use she let us stay an extra half hour.
When i walked into my dads little bit of the ward he was on, i still remember every wire and tube going in and out of him, every cut and bruise, and every beep of all the machines. I stood at the end of his bed and just gazed at him, Adam sat straight next to him my mam stood at the door with my aunty, and my dad opened his eyes looked around said hiya to Adam then looked at me and just said 'whats wrong princess?' he was laid in a hospital bed really ill and he is asking me what is wrong seriously dad get your logic right lol. I couldn't speak i just moved round the bed held his hand and cried, he was telling me that he is OK he can't remember any of it and he will be home soon. He was still in hospital, he was still seriously injured, he was still my dad in hospital asking me if i was OK??!?!?!?.
Turned out my dad had been hit by a taxi, hit him from behind, and with such a force it flung my dad 40ft in the air and 60 ft in the other direction, his bike went under the taxi, now anyone that knows emmerdale round about in hull will know it can get busy, well that's where my dad got hit, the taxi driver been a pig of the road drove very wrongly and hit my dad! (this has all been proved by police and eye witnesses) he doesn't even remember the day of the accident nothing, still doesn't to this day. Now my dad was lucky in a matter of speaking he survived and he survived the after shock of a fractured skull. A lot of things have changed for him, his sense of smell is completely gone, his taste buds ain't that good, his memory is terrible, he has mood swings mainly with me and my mam that we have both drifted from him in many ways, he tends to lose his temper at the click of his fingers, which anyone knew my dad before the accident knew he was so laid back he was horizontal.
So yer il always be a daddy's girl, I'm his only daughter, and nearly losing him makes me appreciate him more, just at a price of having to keep a distance and not get to close in fear of constantly arguing and falling out with him to the point where i move out again and again. He still loves me and cares for me obviously but, there is just a gap in our relationship and maybe always will be but at the end of the day i still have him, which makes me the luckiest person in the world in my eyes ♥
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Driving Lessons!
Well, thought i would do a post on something nearly everyone attempts at some point in their lives, learning to drive. Now don't get me wrong i LOVE driving, but i HATE learning, with an absolute passion.
If only i could drive without learning how to, ha that would be dangerous, because if i am blatantly honest i am not the best driver in the world, now sure no learner is amazing but after 14 lessons and countless lessons with my father, you would expect some skill. However!!!! i panic when driving, well panic can be an understatement, i broke down and cried when i was driving by a dustbin truck, fair enough if i was down small street then you can understand the panic for a learner especially, but when your down a very wide road with no parked cars or obstacles to get by, why the fear came over me i do not know...
Another example of my terrible driving is old women having to run across the road, i won't take offence, because if they didn't run i would not have a chance in hell of anyone teaching me to drive again. I have seriously never seen an old woman leap so quickly.
Now i am fine driving if my instructor lets me get on with it, i seem to relax and be able to drive perfectly, but when she pipes up 'you need to change gear,indicate,speed up, slow down, and about 5 other commands that get muddled in my small mind!!! I get panicky and do it wrong! That's when all you pedestrians need to keep a close eye on the horizon for Jess the psycho learner.
Learners Hell:
I have nearly had 4 accidents due to taxi drivers, been pigs of the road, and surprisingly enough it was never my fault, and between you and me perfected my emergency stop to the tee ;-p. Bus drivers they just hog more then enough of the road and give you an evil glare as you approach each other like they are saying 'you know i can crush you' it really is some scary shit out there!!!
I wish people would go back to when they was a learner, and look try and remember how they felt when they was on the busy roads or in sticky situations, and how they felt when other drivers treat them like dirt and scared them. Wish they had some patience with us, we are trying, i still get a sicky, butterfly feeling before my lessons.
Only lessons i don't get nervous about is when i have to spend the lesson doing techniques like turning in the road, and reverse round a corner, and parallel parking, now some of you will be thinking what a weirdo but, when i am better at techniques then actually driving round loads, you learn your comfort zone. And i adore parallel parking, not even lying, it is amazing and my instructors words for my parallel parking is and i quote 'beautiful' and 'that was perfect'...... far better then 'what did you do wrong there?' and ' you know your not meant to do that' or ' why don't we start again'.
All you learners out there....just think about something funny when you panic it will relax you, when you do something wrong think well i ain't the 1st and i won't be the last, and when a taxi driver pisses you off for nearly killing you and several others just think, i can get that taxi next time and be sick in his car and run without paying (hint: don't do this if he is taking you home)
All you drivers out there, have a flash back to your learner days, and take it easy on us, we are you in a previous time.
If only i could drive without learning how to, ha that would be dangerous, because if i am blatantly honest i am not the best driver in the world, now sure no learner is amazing but after 14 lessons and countless lessons with my father, you would expect some skill. However!!!! i panic when driving, well panic can be an understatement, i broke down and cried when i was driving by a dustbin truck, fair enough if i was down small street then you can understand the panic for a learner especially, but when your down a very wide road with no parked cars or obstacles to get by, why the fear came over me i do not know...
Another example of my terrible driving is old women having to run across the road, i won't take offence, because if they didn't run i would not have a chance in hell of anyone teaching me to drive again. I have seriously never seen an old woman leap so quickly.
Now i am fine driving if my instructor lets me get on with it, i seem to relax and be able to drive perfectly, but when she pipes up 'you need to change gear,indicate,speed up, slow down, and about 5 other commands that get muddled in my small mind!!! I get panicky and do it wrong! That's when all you pedestrians need to keep a close eye on the horizon for Jess the psycho learner.
Learners Hell:
- Taxi Drivers
- Bus Drivers
- People on push bikes
- Boy racers
- Little Kids
- Other learners
- Lorry Drivers
- White Van Drivers
- Coppers!
I have nearly had 4 accidents due to taxi drivers, been pigs of the road, and surprisingly enough it was never my fault, and between you and me perfected my emergency stop to the tee ;-p. Bus drivers they just hog more then enough of the road and give you an evil glare as you approach each other like they are saying 'you know i can crush you' it really is some scary shit out there!!!
I wish people would go back to when they was a learner, and look try and remember how they felt when they was on the busy roads or in sticky situations, and how they felt when other drivers treat them like dirt and scared them. Wish they had some patience with us, we are trying, i still get a sicky, butterfly feeling before my lessons.
Only lessons i don't get nervous about is when i have to spend the lesson doing techniques like turning in the road, and reverse round a corner, and parallel parking, now some of you will be thinking what a weirdo but, when i am better at techniques then actually driving round loads, you learn your comfort zone. And i adore parallel parking, not even lying, it is amazing and my instructors words for my parallel parking is and i quote 'beautiful' and 'that was perfect'...... far better then 'what did you do wrong there?' and ' you know your not meant to do that' or ' why don't we start again'.
All you learners out there....just think about something funny when you panic it will relax you, when you do something wrong think well i ain't the 1st and i won't be the last, and when a taxi driver pisses you off for nearly killing you and several others just think, i can get that taxi next time and be sick in his car and run without paying (hint: don't do this if he is taking you home)
All you drivers out there, have a flash back to your learner days, and take it easy on us, we are you in a previous time.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Bullying The Final Chapter
So, after the bungalow incident, i went into school for my S.A.T's exams, and that was it, i made up excuses that i felt really ill, i luckily was having the metal rods removed from my arm in the june so needed 3 weeks off anyway so in about the last 3 and half months of year 9 i spent a grand total of 3 weeks at school, including exams. My parents started to suspect something, but if i was asked anything i lost it, my temper would fly off and i would have to be left for a good few hours to calm down, this only made my mam panic more....
September 2005 back at school 1st day of year 10, i was getting on with things there had been a rumour that he had been excluded again on the 1st day so i was at ease, i wanted to keep my head down, it was coming up to my G.C.S.E's and i had had the 1st 3 years of my education messed up i needed to get the last 2 right surely!?!?! A week went by still no twat, then 3 weeks, then 6 weeks, then i had to ask the question were was he, i got Kyle to find out and apparently he couldn't be arsed to turn up to school...that was completely fine for me, little did i know he hadn't forgot about me. I got through the 1st term of year 10 fine and then january 2006 came along and he started turning up again, names started, punches started, it all started, he tried to set my hair on fire, he tried to ram my head into a wall, i was lucky that a teacher saw him and sent him away from me.
Every time he did something it hurt just the same, even though some of it was nothing compared to other stuff he did, i couldn't get the idea in my head that if i told someone, then it would stop, april 2006 and i got caught in the toilets blood on my hands and arms, i had taken the only way out i could see that gave me control, i started to cut myself, and some girls finally caught me, they ran for a teacher, i got rushed into the school office, and teachers sat there looking at me like i was some freak.....then one spoke up and just simply said 'Why?', my response was simply, 'because it hurts less'.
I got sent home, and had to tell my mam, i sat there on my bed, i looked at her, and i could see she was worrying what had happened, she knew something was wrong, but i don't think anything could of prepared her. Her only daughter and youngest child was about to tell her for that nearly 4 years she has been bullied by the same boy, the same chubby ginger boy since i started the school, i had to tell her about each and every punch,slap,kick,push,name and feel, and even worse i had to tell her that it had driven me to cut myself and make me feel pain i could control. Once i said it, the look on her face like it all clicked, she whispered 'how stupid can a mother be?', then walked out my room into the bathroom and cried, when she came out eyes red and blotchy she just walked up to me, hugged me and promised she would sort it out, she would keep me safe, she just needed to know one thing...HIS NAME! I had never told anyone, anything to do with this never mind mentioned his name to anyone....But it was my mam and i could see that i was going to be safe and i could tell her. I simply hugged her and said 'Liam' he is in my tutor'. She didn't say anymore, she ran me a bath and got me fresh pjs out and went downstairs to tell my dad.
The next day i went into school with my parents, all 3 brothers, my aunty and 2 of my cousins they all wanted a piece of Liam they all wanted to rip him to pieces. The head-teacher took them to her office and we must of been in there nearly 3 hours when it was decided Liam would get a days suspension, 1 WHOLE DAY FOR 4 YEARS OF TORTURE!? and if my parents wanted to get the police involved they could. Of course my parents did and they wasn't needing her permission they had rang them the night before, i was interviewed but because of my own stupidity, it was to late and no proof,to this day i still feel so idiotic for not saying something at that point!
The head-teacher that suspended Liam for a day got sacked 3 weeks later, A new head started in sepetember 2006, Liam carried on his torture and the minute i told the head he was gone, that was it out the school for good, I smiled, and walked out of school thinking it was all over.
And yes the taunts are over and yer he hasn't touched me since, but it will never be over because he still gets to walk around and possibly do worse to others, i could of done something, but i couldn't speak, i lost my voice because of some arsehole, and the sad thing is, till i take my last breath i will blame myself for the fact that he will be doing it to another girl, or even worse and if i had stopped when it happened to me, this new girl with no voice, would actually be safe.
Well there we go, you know his name, you know nothing got done, and you know my regret, this has taught me to speak out, don't lose my voice, just hold onto it tight AND SCREAM!!!! xx
September 2005 back at school 1st day of year 10, i was getting on with things there had been a rumour that he had been excluded again on the 1st day so i was at ease, i wanted to keep my head down, it was coming up to my G.C.S.E's and i had had the 1st 3 years of my education messed up i needed to get the last 2 right surely!?!?! A week went by still no twat, then 3 weeks, then 6 weeks, then i had to ask the question were was he, i got Kyle to find out and apparently he couldn't be arsed to turn up to school...that was completely fine for me, little did i know he hadn't forgot about me. I got through the 1st term of year 10 fine and then january 2006 came along and he started turning up again, names started, punches started, it all started, he tried to set my hair on fire, he tried to ram my head into a wall, i was lucky that a teacher saw him and sent him away from me.
Every time he did something it hurt just the same, even though some of it was nothing compared to other stuff he did, i couldn't get the idea in my head that if i told someone, then it would stop, april 2006 and i got caught in the toilets blood on my hands and arms, i had taken the only way out i could see that gave me control, i started to cut myself, and some girls finally caught me, they ran for a teacher, i got rushed into the school office, and teachers sat there looking at me like i was some freak.....then one spoke up and just simply said 'Why?', my response was simply, 'because it hurts less'.
I got sent home, and had to tell my mam, i sat there on my bed, i looked at her, and i could see she was worrying what had happened, she knew something was wrong, but i don't think anything could of prepared her. Her only daughter and youngest child was about to tell her for that nearly 4 years she has been bullied by the same boy, the same chubby ginger boy since i started the school, i had to tell her about each and every punch,slap,kick,push,name and feel, and even worse i had to tell her that it had driven me to cut myself and make me feel pain i could control. Once i said it, the look on her face like it all clicked, she whispered 'how stupid can a mother be?', then walked out my room into the bathroom and cried, when she came out eyes red and blotchy she just walked up to me, hugged me and promised she would sort it out, she would keep me safe, she just needed to know one thing...HIS NAME! I had never told anyone, anything to do with this never mind mentioned his name to anyone....But it was my mam and i could see that i was going to be safe and i could tell her. I simply hugged her and said 'Liam' he is in my tutor'. She didn't say anymore, she ran me a bath and got me fresh pjs out and went downstairs to tell my dad.
The next day i went into school with my parents, all 3 brothers, my aunty and 2 of my cousins they all wanted a piece of Liam they all wanted to rip him to pieces. The head-teacher took them to her office and we must of been in there nearly 3 hours when it was decided Liam would get a days suspension, 1 WHOLE DAY FOR 4 YEARS OF TORTURE!? and if my parents wanted to get the police involved they could. Of course my parents did and they wasn't needing her permission they had rang them the night before, i was interviewed but because of my own stupidity, it was to late and no proof,to this day i still feel so idiotic for not saying something at that point!
The head-teacher that suspended Liam for a day got sacked 3 weeks later, A new head started in sepetember 2006, Liam carried on his torture and the minute i told the head he was gone, that was it out the school for good, I smiled, and walked out of school thinking it was all over.
And yes the taunts are over and yer he hasn't touched me since, but it will never be over because he still gets to walk around and possibly do worse to others, i could of done something, but i couldn't speak, i lost my voice because of some arsehole, and the sad thing is, till i take my last breath i will blame myself for the fact that he will be doing it to another girl, or even worse and if i had stopped when it happened to me, this new girl with no voice, would actually be safe.
Well there we go, you know his name, you know nothing got done, and you know my regret, this has taught me to speak out, don't lose my voice, just hold onto it tight AND SCREAM!!!! xx
Bullying Part 3
Well, here i am 12 years of age, end of year 8, and of course my bullying hell had been going on for nearly 2 years now, all the usual hits and kicks, name calling was getting worse, i have quite tanned skin, black hair, really dark eyes, i quite often get mistaken for italian,spanish or even greek sometimes =/. However him and many others on this planet been the un-intelligent arseholes of life, chose to call me 'paki' several times, never mind the fact it was wrong, quite clearly, and it was racist, and it is used wrongly everyday by small minded twats. It was hurtful, i am dead set against racism, anyone that knows me, knows this, i don't agree with it and tend to argue with people that are racist, and for some reason that is what hurt me the most, not the name been directed at me, but the thinking behind the name, its just wrong.
Anyway got a bit heated about that subject, so yer nearly last few days of school, haven't seen him for a week as he was excluded for miss-behaving in a lesson or some rubbish excuse, on the school field, which also backed onto my back garden, sat there with a couple of friends, on about what our plans for summer was, what i was going to do for the big 13th birthday! Ha the life back then....anyway yes who do i see running straight at me, the twat, the knob jockey, the tit head, he kept running, i just froze i didn't want him to know where i lived so i couldn't run into my garden, and i certainly wasn't fast enough to run from him, so i just froze, and felt his huge body pile into my stomach throwing me to the ground winding me, and then felt mud in my face, as he kept squishing it into my cheek, telling me to 'eat it'.
My friends stood there and gazed with complete shell shocked looks, the only thing was, it was like they knew that was going to happen all along, like all 3 of them planned it. And even more terrifying then that, they must of told him where i lived as he then told me that if my mam saw that then to tell her we was all having a laugh, then walked to my gate and said oh no she didn't, just have to tell her the 'fat paki' fell again, and then he just laughed and walked off.
I missed the last few days of school and for the 1st 3 weeks of the summer holidays i didn't really leave my house unless i was with my parents, for my 13th birthday i remember having a family meal and my brothers asking why i didn't invite my friends along. What friends?! I never felt so alone in my life. Then a boy called Kyle knocked on my door, he had been living next to me for around 6 months, he was in my tutor at school and knew the twat, infact he was friends with him but was never with him when the twat got me, so was in his own little bubble, he got me to come out and have a laugh with a few others down my street, the 1st time i had been out in nearly a month and i stayed out with Kyle till nearly 11 that night and was straight out the next day from 10.00am till gone 11 at night again.
The thing about Kyle is i felt safe and reassured that i couldn't be hurt, even though i knew he was friends with it. He wasn't close friends so he was never at Kyles house, so i didn't get bothered, By the end of the summer me and Kyle became joint at the hip, he was my best friend, and would stay my best friend for the next 6 years. Last day before back to school for year 9 and i'm sat having my tea looking out onto the street and i see knob head go by my window on his bike shouting my name. My mam been no wiser heard this and said why don't you go see what he wants, now this would of been the perfect time to say something, i couldn't though, i thought it would hurt my mam to much to find out all the shit i'd been put through by him and she didn't know or realise. So i did as i was told, this was the 1st time Kyle saw what he was really like, i had a brick thrown at me that night and Kyle let it hit him instead. He grabbed my hand took me to his house and told me to stay in there, the next thing i see is the nob walking down the street with a nose bleed and bust lip.
As sweet as that was of Kyle to defend me, what he didn't know is that it would only make things worse.....Il skip forward to november 2004 half way through 1st term of year 9 and i break my arm, that is a whole other story ha and quite funny to be fair....anyway so i end up having from november 17th (yes i do remember the date) till the last day before christmas holidays off, i only went back to hand some presents out to certain friends, and show my face i was back home by break time, the school didn't care, sat at home that night on msn, a old friend pops up and says, 'when i get back to school he will get me good, he know's i can't defend myself with my arm been in such a bad way so he will get me!' What a way to ruin my christmas. January 2005 came and went, nothing happened, february 2005 went by too, strange as i still had a weak arm just no pot to show that, but he kept clear, march goodbye, oh but hello april, S.A.T's about to start, back then that was the big deal! Not so much now ha, and i was late leaving school 1 days because i needed to get some revision done, walking down the long road before you turn off down my street there is some bungalows, he came out of nowhere dragged me behind the bungalows and had me against a wall by my throat so he could put his hand, down my trousers. The last thing i remember is whispering help, thinking someone must be able to help, i just didn't have the courage to scream, i remember feeling dizzy and sick and him letting go and him saying 'i said i would teach you a lesson, i could of gone further, just a warning for next time'. Apparently it took me 3 hours to get home from school that day, to do a 10 minute walk, it took me 3 hours.
Il leave it at that today and do the final bit later on. The final bit won't really be so interesting as its so close to the ending. xx
Anyway got a bit heated about that subject, so yer nearly last few days of school, haven't seen him for a week as he was excluded for miss-behaving in a lesson or some rubbish excuse, on the school field, which also backed onto my back garden, sat there with a couple of friends, on about what our plans for summer was, what i was going to do for the big 13th birthday! Ha the life back then....anyway yes who do i see running straight at me, the twat, the knob jockey, the tit head, he kept running, i just froze i didn't want him to know where i lived so i couldn't run into my garden, and i certainly wasn't fast enough to run from him, so i just froze, and felt his huge body pile into my stomach throwing me to the ground winding me, and then felt mud in my face, as he kept squishing it into my cheek, telling me to 'eat it'.
My friends stood there and gazed with complete shell shocked looks, the only thing was, it was like they knew that was going to happen all along, like all 3 of them planned it. And even more terrifying then that, they must of told him where i lived as he then told me that if my mam saw that then to tell her we was all having a laugh, then walked to my gate and said oh no she didn't, just have to tell her the 'fat paki' fell again, and then he just laughed and walked off.
I missed the last few days of school and for the 1st 3 weeks of the summer holidays i didn't really leave my house unless i was with my parents, for my 13th birthday i remember having a family meal and my brothers asking why i didn't invite my friends along. What friends?! I never felt so alone in my life. Then a boy called Kyle knocked on my door, he had been living next to me for around 6 months, he was in my tutor at school and knew the twat, infact he was friends with him but was never with him when the twat got me, so was in his own little bubble, he got me to come out and have a laugh with a few others down my street, the 1st time i had been out in nearly a month and i stayed out with Kyle till nearly 11 that night and was straight out the next day from 10.00am till gone 11 at night again.
The thing about Kyle is i felt safe and reassured that i couldn't be hurt, even though i knew he was friends with it. He wasn't close friends so he was never at Kyles house, so i didn't get bothered, By the end of the summer me and Kyle became joint at the hip, he was my best friend, and would stay my best friend for the next 6 years. Last day before back to school for year 9 and i'm sat having my tea looking out onto the street and i see knob head go by my window on his bike shouting my name. My mam been no wiser heard this and said why don't you go see what he wants, now this would of been the perfect time to say something, i couldn't though, i thought it would hurt my mam to much to find out all the shit i'd been put through by him and she didn't know or realise. So i did as i was told, this was the 1st time Kyle saw what he was really like, i had a brick thrown at me that night and Kyle let it hit him instead. He grabbed my hand took me to his house and told me to stay in there, the next thing i see is the nob walking down the street with a nose bleed and bust lip.
As sweet as that was of Kyle to defend me, what he didn't know is that it would only make things worse.....Il skip forward to november 2004 half way through 1st term of year 9 and i break my arm, that is a whole other story ha and quite funny to be fair....anyway so i end up having from november 17th (yes i do remember the date) till the last day before christmas holidays off, i only went back to hand some presents out to certain friends, and show my face i was back home by break time, the school didn't care, sat at home that night on msn, a old friend pops up and says, 'when i get back to school he will get me good, he know's i can't defend myself with my arm been in such a bad way so he will get me!' What a way to ruin my christmas. January 2005 came and went, nothing happened, february 2005 went by too, strange as i still had a weak arm just no pot to show that, but he kept clear, march goodbye, oh but hello april, S.A.T's about to start, back then that was the big deal! Not so much now ha, and i was late leaving school 1 days because i needed to get some revision done, walking down the long road before you turn off down my street there is some bungalows, he came out of nowhere dragged me behind the bungalows and had me against a wall by my throat so he could put his hand, down my trousers. The last thing i remember is whispering help, thinking someone must be able to help, i just didn't have the courage to scream, i remember feeling dizzy and sick and him letting go and him saying 'i said i would teach you a lesson, i could of gone further, just a warning for next time'. Apparently it took me 3 hours to get home from school that day, to do a 10 minute walk, it took me 3 hours.
Il leave it at that today and do the final bit later on. The final bit won't really be so interesting as its so close to the ending. xx
Monday, 11 April 2011
Bullying Part 2
Now i will skip forward a few months, April 2003 only 3 and half months left of year 7, but another 3 and a half years of bullying. Back then i was young and silly and thought it would blow over, so kept it to myself, didn't let it get on top of me to much. STUPID? Yes! REGRET IT? Without a doubt! But can i go back and change it no, i wish i could , knowing what i know now.
So yes April 2003, in my secondry school they had a big marble stair case the kind you imagine in your princess dreams,walking down in your big princess dress, except these were uglier and very painful to fall down, i found this out when he pushed me down them each and every morning from about this time, and after a few months it gets so tirering to resist so you give in sometimes, it hurt less looking back.
Right now your wondering, well didn't a teacher see this and do something, yes they did and no they didn't.
SHIT!
By june 2003 i had gained a lot of weight, i did become a comfort eater, after all eating i could control when i did it, my parents assumed it was to do with puberty and my body changing a lot, because to be fair i did get boobies very quickly, and always been known for having rather large knockers. So they knew nothing of what was happening at school, if my bruises or scratches where seen i would simply lie and say i did it in p.e. or i fell while i was out, i am the clumsiest girl ever so this is actually very believable =/.
Summer 2003 was a happy time no school i lost nearly 2 and a half stone as i was happy i didn't feel any need to eat i never saw him, i didn't get up in a morning and wonder what excuse i could use if i got another mark. Dreading september wasn't enough to even stop it arriving, so it flew at me like a tonne of bricks, and there it was, the prison school, year 8, surely nearly 9 weeks off he would of got over been a twat to me, I WISH!
On my 1st day back he bust my lip and broke my nose by pushing me down the stairs, second day back he picked up a chair and swung it at my stomach, hello cracked rib, 3rd day he whipped my legs till they bled, 4th day i was in hospital getting treated for my 'clumsyness'....
After a week off, i was back and he was strangely quiet,he kept clear of me he didn't even get me when he had a perfect chance, infact it was even scarier that he wasn't doing anything! After a couple of weeks i thought oh good my life is finally back to normal, he has go bored of me, i relaxed more, i lost more weight, i smiled!
Going into the girls toilets 1 day during lesson i was desperate, i hate public toilets as it is but i could of created a lake if i waited any longer, i heard the smoker girls come in the toilet...perfectly normal, didn't fuss me they knew my brothers and knew me as his sister, however i walked out the toilet cubicle to a knife at my throat from him and a lighter and hairspray can infront of my face, i screamed and ran, the girls stayed behind, he ran after me caught up with me and cut my leg at back and said 'nice little reminder for you love' those words haunt me!
I will write some more in the morning, sorry if its not an interest, but its actually helping me xx
So yes April 2003, in my secondry school they had a big marble stair case the kind you imagine in your princess dreams,walking down in your big princess dress, except these were uglier and very painful to fall down, i found this out when he pushed me down them each and every morning from about this time, and after a few months it gets so tirering to resist so you give in sometimes, it hurt less looking back.
Right now your wondering, well didn't a teacher see this and do something, yes they did and no they didn't.
SHIT!
By june 2003 i had gained a lot of weight, i did become a comfort eater, after all eating i could control when i did it, my parents assumed it was to do with puberty and my body changing a lot, because to be fair i did get boobies very quickly, and always been known for having rather large knockers. So they knew nothing of what was happening at school, if my bruises or scratches where seen i would simply lie and say i did it in p.e. or i fell while i was out, i am the clumsiest girl ever so this is actually very believable =/.
Summer 2003 was a happy time no school i lost nearly 2 and a half stone as i was happy i didn't feel any need to eat i never saw him, i didn't get up in a morning and wonder what excuse i could use if i got another mark. Dreading september wasn't enough to even stop it arriving, so it flew at me like a tonne of bricks, and there it was, the prison school, year 8, surely nearly 9 weeks off he would of got over been a twat to me, I WISH!
On my 1st day back he bust my lip and broke my nose by pushing me down the stairs, second day back he picked up a chair and swung it at my stomach, hello cracked rib, 3rd day he whipped my legs till they bled, 4th day i was in hospital getting treated for my 'clumsyness'....
After a week off, i was back and he was strangely quiet,he kept clear of me he didn't even get me when he had a perfect chance, infact it was even scarier that he wasn't doing anything! After a couple of weeks i thought oh good my life is finally back to normal, he has go bored of me, i relaxed more, i lost more weight, i smiled!
Going into the girls toilets 1 day during lesson i was desperate, i hate public toilets as it is but i could of created a lake if i waited any longer, i heard the smoker girls come in the toilet...perfectly normal, didn't fuss me they knew my brothers and knew me as his sister, however i walked out the toilet cubicle to a knife at my throat from him and a lighter and hairspray can infront of my face, i screamed and ran, the girls stayed behind, he ran after me caught up with me and cut my leg at back and said 'nice little reminder for you love' those words haunt me!
I will write some more in the morning, sorry if its not an interest, but its actually helping me xx
Bullying Part 1
Right lets go back to the summer before you start secondry school...excited? nervous? no idea what was waiting ahead of you? horror stories getting to you? Or all of them, yer pretty much all of them strolled into my mind, but i didn't care. What i didn't know is that what was meant to be the best bit of your life, was going to be my worst and even more scary then that, nothing nobody could say or do could actually preper me for the hell years!
I make it sound so dramatic, and to most people it won't seem to bad, but for an 11 year old girl my bullying is still fresh in my mind as that 11 year old girl. I still get the sick feeling when i hear the name, i still get hot and panicy at the thought of been anywhere near that thing again, and i still to this day, blame myself in some way. People can say you shouldn't blame yourself, but that doesn't change, and i don't think it ever will.
September 2002, i was soooooo excited to start the same school my brothers went to and 1 still was at, at this point, I felt grown up! And surely with an older, very popular brother keeping an eye on me nothing could hurt me, if only! He was in my tutor, ginger, tubby, greeny eyes, freckles, and a voice that could make you cringe, see nearly 9 years on and so fresh in my mind. He was fine at 1st was the same as any 11 year old boy was with girls and was the same with me as everyone else and thats the way it was till about late november 2002 when sat in geography he threw a pile of A4 texts books (at least 10 of them) at my head then dropped 10 more on my head, i got upset but said no more. But then when he is randomly starts doing little acts of pure mean behaviour to you and only to you it starts to make little incidents into a story, a story i wish was made up. Punches,kicks,slaps,bites,nips,pushes,names,objects been thrown at me, was only the beginning.
Now i wont go on anymore tonight as you may not want to know anymore, but least iv started. Hope i didnt bore to much xx
I make it sound so dramatic, and to most people it won't seem to bad, but for an 11 year old girl my bullying is still fresh in my mind as that 11 year old girl. I still get the sick feeling when i hear the name, i still get hot and panicy at the thought of been anywhere near that thing again, and i still to this day, blame myself in some way. People can say you shouldn't blame yourself, but that doesn't change, and i don't think it ever will.
September 2002, i was soooooo excited to start the same school my brothers went to and 1 still was at, at this point, I felt grown up! And surely with an older, very popular brother keeping an eye on me nothing could hurt me, if only! He was in my tutor, ginger, tubby, greeny eyes, freckles, and a voice that could make you cringe, see nearly 9 years on and so fresh in my mind. He was fine at 1st was the same as any 11 year old boy was with girls and was the same with me as everyone else and thats the way it was till about late november 2002 when sat in geography he threw a pile of A4 texts books (at least 10 of them) at my head then dropped 10 more on my head, i got upset but said no more. But then when he is randomly starts doing little acts of pure mean behaviour to you and only to you it starts to make little incidents into a story, a story i wish was made up. Punches,kicks,slaps,bites,nips,pushes,names,objects been thrown at me, was only the beginning.
Now i wont go on anymore tonight as you may not want to know anymore, but least iv started. Hope i didnt bore to much xx
About me in short!
Hello all you lovely people!!
Incase you haven't already guessed i am called Jessica, i prefer Jess but Jessica is fine and i sound a bit more fancy =p.......I come from ye olde Hull, everyone kinda see's it as a shit hole, but at the end of the day it's my home town and i will always be proud of that!!
Now i am new to this so be nice please?!?!? =)
I am a disney fan, and i am getting worse as i get older and older, it is actually worrying me sometimes, but everyone has a child in them right?
I am up for any suggestions on what you think i should write about, and i will try my best.
Feel free to follow, or feel free to just be nosey. I can't garentee any thrills or excitment...but i will try my hardest to please and interest at least 1 of you.
Loves and Hugs xx
P.s. i did tell you it was short.
Incase you haven't already guessed i am called Jessica, i prefer Jess but Jessica is fine and i sound a bit more fancy =p.......I come from ye olde Hull, everyone kinda see's it as a shit hole, but at the end of the day it's my home town and i will always be proud of that!!
Now i am new to this so be nice please?!?!? =)
I am a disney fan, and i am getting worse as i get older and older, it is actually worrying me sometimes, but everyone has a child in them right?
I am up for any suggestions on what you think i should write about, and i will try my best.
Feel free to follow, or feel free to just be nosey. I can't garentee any thrills or excitment...but i will try my hardest to please and interest at least 1 of you.
Loves and Hugs xx
P.s. i did tell you it was short.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)